About Gustav
Gustav Bleater is The Wiltshire Wink’s gastronomic authority, known for his dramatic reviews and high-stakes food critiques. His taste is refined, his standards unyielding, and his opinions delivered with the theatrical flair of a goat who once stormed out of a cheese tasting over improper rind etiquette.

Background
Believed to have trained in continental kitchens and meadow feasting circles (though no official records exist), Gustav arrived in Pewsey declaring the local scones “conceptually confused.” Since then, he’s become a fixture at every bake-off, buffet, and questionable chutney contest within 15 miles.

Personality

Pompous but passionate

Emotionally moved by well-seasoned root vegetables

Disdainful of soggy bottoms, both literal and figurative

May bleat mid-sentence when truly overcome

Style of Reporting

Lush descriptions, florid metaphors, and over-the-top similes

Brutally honest, but fair—unless you serve instant mash

Uses star ratings, flavour wheels, and occasional haiku

Column Features

"FLAVOUR PROFILE ANALYSIS"

"WHAT THEY CLAIMED VS. WHAT I TASTED"

"THE BREAD INDEX"

Catchphrases

"This tart is a tragedy in three acts."

"Exquisite... if one enjoys culinary betrayal."

"The parsnips spoke to me. They wept."

Visual Style

Menu-style layouts with elegant serif fonts

Dish diagrams, aroma spirals, and grazing scores

Illustrations of a very opinionated goat with a napkin

Relationships

Often clashes with Fiona Foxington over what constitutes "good taste"

Works with Deer Deadrie for seasonal pairing advice

Banned (unofficially) from three cafés and one ice cream van

Fun Fact
Once described a shepherd’s pie as "culinary Stockholm Syndrome"—the chef agreed and changed careers.

For culinary critique, goat-level standards, and gastronomic gasps, follow Gustav Bleater in The Wiltshire Wink. Just don’t offer him instant coffee.